I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
