she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
