i permit you to call me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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