I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
