i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
