mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
