we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
