I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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