Ambien. No doubt about it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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