just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
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oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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