She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
