I'm eating all of the evidence.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
