youre lurking in front of me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
