when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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