and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
