Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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