If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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