and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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