I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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