Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I would ride that face into the sunset
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
