The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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