The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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