we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
