its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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