I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
