Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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