stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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