Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize