that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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