drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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