How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Drunk is a universal language darling
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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