you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
