i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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