we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
