Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
