I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
