i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
