you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
