Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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