you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
