I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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