D3 body, D1 cock
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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