Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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