and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
