I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
