Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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