I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
