they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
