I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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