We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
