nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
