I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker