i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
