When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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