May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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