Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
