I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
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When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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